The Widening Gyre

Beating My Body

2009-12-13T19:25:00.000-06:00

When I was in High School, many years ago, I was a very active and fit young man. I worked hard at it all year long and had I known anything about nutrition at that point in my life, I would have made even greater progress. When I was 17 years old, I could bench press 300 lbs which was nearly twice my own bodyweight at 170 pounds, and I ran a 4.7 sec 40 yard dash. Yes, I was in shape.

Then came college. I pretty much stopped exercising all together and starting drinking beer and living on pizza. By the Summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year, I was up to 205. I stayed that weight until I got married, when I dropped back down to 195.

Married life brought 20 pounds on and I was up to 215. In the Summer of 1995 I began smoking; a habit I continued until August of 2008. I began a new job with my company that month as well and began working 60 - 80 hour work weeks. My son called me the daddy who doesn't ever exercise. When I weighed myself on my 40th birthday, I was at my heaviest ever: 245.

Two weeks ago, I cleaned up my eating and began doing P90X. I have never been more focused on my health than I am right now. Already I am seeing my work pay off, and I am totally excited to see how far I can get in 90 days and then beyond. I will be healthy and fit again.

My Three Angels

2009-11-02T15:43:00.004-06:00

To my three Angels:

As I come to a milestone birthday soon, it has given me cause to take a few moments to reflect on where I have been in my life, where I am now, and where I am going, or hope to be in the next few years. In summary, I can say that the struggles of my childhood have prepared me for the things I have today and given me a deep sense of appreciation for them. If not for those difficulties, I wouldn’t be the husband, father, worker, lover, friend, or man that I am today. I pray everyday to better myself in all of these and to continue to grow everyday.

To M.: My Angel of Reconciliation
My dearest, loveliest, and most sincere darling, I owe you so very much. You have walked with me and sometimes seemingly carried me through some of my most difficult times, and you have never once complained. You are the only person I’ve ever known that has shown me what totally self-sacrificing love looks like. You are and will always be my truest friend. Once, I told you a story about how before we were born, we were angels in Heaven and how we used to play together and oh, how we’d laugh. Our laughter was like a hymn of joy. Twenty years ago, we found one another here on Earth, and although our journey together has not always been full of laughter, the life we have built together has become a hymn of love, and it is no less lovely to our Father’s ears. You are my Angel of Reconciliation. You have helped me to reconcile the difference between the way I often see myself, and the way God sees me: whole, unblemished, new, and beautiful. Thank you.

To G.: My Angel of Redemption
You are the fairest, kindest, smartest and most encouraging person any father could ever hope to have for a daughter. Your gift of encouragement is from God’s hand, G. You may not know this, but you saved me from despair when you were barely a toddler. In my life’s saddest hour, the darkest night of my life, I held you on my knee and you said to me, “Jesus loves you daddy, have a happy heart.” I cannot even think about that moment without chills and tears. It was then that I knew all was not lost, that life could be redeemed and that no matter how I may try and fail or try and succeed, you would always love me and would always encourage me to strive for my best effort. Thank You.

To C.: My Angel of Restoration
My son. What an amazing young man you are becoming! So strong, but so kind. Brave, but merciful. I know that as you grow older you will continue to make your mother and me proud. May you too someday have a son and feel the joy and pride that I feel when I see you grow and learn. You may not know it, but you are a special blessing. When mommy, G. and I were almost down to having nothing, you came to us and proved beyond doubt that God was restoring His blessing on our family. I look forward to guiding you through the years as you grow into manhood. You are the blessing of a restored legacy. Thank You.

My Angels:
I hope that in some small way I have been able to express and describe just a drop of the ocean of love I feel for all three of you. I am blessed beyond what any man, with all of my flaws, could ever even dream. In a few days, I turn forty and if there is any sadness in this milestone, it’s only in the fact that another forty, fifty, or even sixty more years is far too short a time to spend living with and loving my three Angels. I love you all.

October 29th, 2009

Frost

2009-04-05T21:09:00.004-05:00

I remember being a kid and going every Wednesday night during the school year to catechism. One night during the winter the weather got so bad that they let us out early. I set out to walk to our friend's house where my mom would wait until it was time to pick me up. I thought I knew the way.

I remember at first how confident I was that I could get there on my own and show my mom I was a big boy. As I walked, the snow got heavier and the wind picked up. The wind chill fell to the single digits. "That's alright," I thought, "I am prepared for the storm. I have my parka and moon boots on. Besides, I figure I'll be there soon. Those first two blocks where I mistakenly thought their house was were just a fluke...I know where the house is."

It was soon snowing sideways and I had missed the corner three more times, so I decided to double back to the church to wait it out. Then it hit me: What if she had already been there and left thinking someone else had dropped me off at home? Panic set in and then sheer terror as I looked down at my feet. You see, the problem with blowing snow is that the storm erases all the traces of your steps; nothing looked familiar anymore. The other problem with the wind is that when in blows hard enough, it cancels your cries for help. I was lost. I couldn't go forward. Backward was a blur. By now, the houses had gone dark due to a power outage, and my sobs were carried away before they even got past my blue, chattering lips.

I remember growing so sleepy from walking and crying that I actually lay down in the middle of the darkened street to go to sleep. I was tired. I was ready to quit walking and just rest. I remember having one thought: Home. "If I can just lay here awhile, then I can get up and I'll make it home."

I never did fall asleep that night, thank God. A single flame from an old oil lamp lit by an elderly woman blazed from the frosty front window of her house. I hadn't seen the house before because of the dark and the storm. My thoughts changed from the desire to rest to a desperate run on the frozen streets. I had to reach that light before it went out. The light became my purpose. I made it and within twenty minutes, I was safe and warm in my own bed at home.

See, we as followers of the Jesus message need to be about lighting lamps. If there's an unexpected blinding storm in your life and you realize you're lost and there are no traces of your steps, if you can't cry loud enough to be heard, if you are frozen and are thinking, "If I just lay here awhile..." then look up just one more time. There's a warm house waiting for you with a light burning bright to guide you home.

Working the Phones for Jimmy

2009-04-02T22:13:00.006-05:00

If you are like me, you grew up thinking that Lent is a time when we have to give something up and, as I was Catholic as a child, abstain from eating meat on Fridays. I was always taught that doing this was just something we always did. It was a rule we had to follow if we wanted to be good Catholics.

The significance and potential meaningfulness of the Lenten season was never explained to me in any important way. The beauty of suffering and tangible benefits of sacrifice was lost to me, yet so much of Jesus’ experience here on earth was couched in just such a state.

I believe we should look more closely at the issue of suffering vs. the gospel of pop culture that so many of us, myself included, find so attractive.

The daily newspaper of New Orleans, the Times-Picayune, carried a front-page article on the dramatic growth of a nondenominational church in the area that has grown from 250 to 2500 members in the past few years. A wealthy member of the congregation was on the front page picture, photographed in the opulent restaurant that he owns. This man credited his financial success to his faith in God. “It’s not an automatic ticket to success,” he conceded, “but man, if you don’t find success in God, you haven’t found…

What do you think he said? “Success?” No. He said “God.” "...If you don't find success in God, you haven't found God."

He went on to claim that he and other members have found their incomes doubling and tripling: “as a direct result of God blessing us.”

I hope that you are as deeply disturbed as I am by this new definition of “successful” Christianity. Do you get the uncomfortable feeling that God is being used: A commodity, perhaps; a tool to be used to leverage financial and emotional security?

The fact of the matter is that the self-centeredness of our culture has spawned a self-centered religion. Take a good look at the vast majority of ultra-popular doctrine circulating today and the well-hidden supposition built into them is “What can Jesus do for me?”

My wife and I recently came across Jimmy Swaggart’s radio station. We both turned rage-red when he told his congregation, “I expect to see all of you here to work the phones (to raise money for him). Don’t let God down!”

Now I would say that for the most part the poor do not see us as their allies. Like the wealthy New Orleans restaurant owner, evangelicals are often seen as looking down on those who don’t enjoy power, prosperity, good health, or any of the other alleged tangible signs of God’s favor.

Brennan Manning, author of “The Ragamuffin Gospel” has said, “I can think of no other time in history when the name of Jesus has been so frequently mentioned and the content of His life and teaching so thoroughly ignored.”

Upon entering human history, God shattered all previous notions of who God is. In the New Testament we are presented with a God who suffers crucifixion, a Supreme Being with a blood, sweat and spit soaked face.

God surrendering His powers to become the sweating, bleeding, beaten Savior of Me.

Mary Craig tells the true story of an Allied soldier in WWII who, during his mission liberating the concentration camp of Ravensbruck, Germany found a torn scrap of wrapping paper wedged under the body of a dead child. On it was inscribed this prayer:

O Lord, remember not only the men and women of good will, but also those of ill will. But do not remember the suffering they have inflicted on us; remember the fruits we have born, thanks to this suffering – our comradeship, our loyalty, our humility, our courage, our generosity, the greatness of heart, which has grown out of all this, and when they come to judgment, let all the fruits we have borne be their forgiveness.

I'll bet you one thing, I'll bet that even though the author of this prayer probably never “worked the phones” for Jimmy Swaggart, he or she definitely didn't “let God down.”

Roll Up Your Sleeves and DIG

2009-03-29T21:26:00.005-05:00

I'm always inspired by people who look at the world's problems and instead of whining about them, like I usually do, actually do something to address a need. It's even better when I actually end up knowing the person. While I was sinking my time into Facebook this week, I came across just that someone. His name is Steve Bolinger and I'd like to introduce you to him.

Steve was a year behind me in school and we've known each other since our elementary years. I lost track of him after graduation, as I have most everyone I went to school with. I remember him being a very pleasant guy, thoughtful, gregarious and genuinely nice. Apparently, he went to college and studied finance and also spent some time in the Peace Corps. That's all well and good, but why I really want you to know Steve can be summed up in a word: DIG.

DIG stands for Development In Gardening. Steve and his friend and fellow Peace Corps volunteer, Sarah Koch started DIG. It's mission is to raise the nutritional quality of life for HIV/AIDS patients and the impoverished in various Third World countries. Most of their work has been on the African continent, but recently they have branched into the Dominican Republic.

By the way, did you know that of the approximately 5,700 people that die from AIDS every day, 4,500 of them are in Africa? The epidemic there is staggering. Steve knows.

One of the things that struck me as I was learning about DIG is how matter of fact Steve is about why he and Sarah started the group. He says he simply saw all of these HIV/AIDS hospitals all around Africa and none of them were addressing this need.

Steve saw people in need and decided to do something to help. In the process, he's helping to build a world worth living in. A world where we all help out as we are able. Steve's participating in the divine.

So, now it's time to help DIG as we are able. Please go to http://www.developmentingardening.org/DIG/HOME.html and donate. Then, tell everyone you know about this group and tell them to do the same.

10 Songs You Should Listen To. Today.

2009-03-25T11:35:00.019-05:00

At the risk of sounding like an elitist jerk, let me make this statement: I know a little about music. I won't expand on that. Anyone who knows my background can vouch for me on this one.

That being said, I had an idea for a posting. So, here it is: "10 Songs You Should Listen To. Today." These are presented in no particular order. I hope you take my advice and go check these out. All of these songs have touched my life in one way or another, because they contain truth and/or beauty in them. Although only one of them has any particular reference to God in it, they are sacred to me.

A Comet Appears by The Shins
I can't listen to this song enough. From the birds singing, to the slide electric guitar, it has everything good about minimalism within. Not Minimalism like music historians think of it, but a simple almost austere quality that compliments the struggle of man trying to be rid of his masks. Haunting and holy.

Gold Dust Woman by Fleetwood Mac
This song is widely recognized as a masterpiece. If you have the opportunity to listen to this song with the vocal minimized, you should. Stevie Nicks held nothing back in this song. Her relationship with Lindsey Buckingham was ending and the background track to this song sounds like a heart breaking.

Erin Gra Mo Chroi (Ireland of My Heart) by Cathy Jordan w/ Dervish
If there is anyone that was born to sing Celtic Music, it has to be Cathy Jordan. Her voice has the flexibility to do ornamentations and turns that normally you hear with the tin whistle. Otherworldly. Truly amazing.

A Change Is Gonna Come by Sam Cooke
I am ashamed to say that I only recently became acquainted with this song. Before you listen to it, you need to educate yourself about the civil rights movement of the 1960's. It hearkens back to slave hollers with elements of gospel added here and there. It is an anthem for anyone looking for a better way to live in this world.

You Can Close Your Eyes by James Taylor
This is J.T. at his love-songy best. That, and the fact that it is a gorgeous song should be enough.

I'm Gone by Alison Krauss & Union Station
This is quite possibly the perfect song. Everything about this song makes me glad to have ears. If listen to only one song on this list, you could do worse than this one. Definitely not your grandpa's bluegrass. This is sexy.

Long & Winding Road by The Beatles
If you've never heard a song "breathe" before, take another listen to this one. There is a poignant, sad beauty to this song. Like, when you know the fight is lost, but you know you have to keep fighting? This song captures that moment.

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd
Another classic. I love this song but I can't listen to it very often. It makes me think of my friend David. He is a brother to me, and one of the truest friends I have ever known. I love you Dave.

Hold On by Nichole Nordeman
Nichole Nordeman is a "Contemporary Christian" musician. Emphasis on musician. She is diametrically opposite of all of the bad stuff that floods the C.C. scene. Far from sunshine, flowers, and Precious Moments tableaus, Nordeman writes beautiful, meaningful songs from the questioning places in all of us. This song reminds us that life hurts like hell sometimes and sometimes we make really bad choices, but even in the thick of our deepest dark hearts, God's there, waiting for you to turn around to see Him.

Nothing Else Matters by Metallica
This song is my generation's "Invictus." Whenever I lose my sense of self or feel uncertain about my path in life, this song rights the ship.

There are so many other great songs out there. If anyone happens across this and wants to add their own favorites, please do so. One of the joys of life is sharing truth and beauty with one another.

The Desert

2009-03-16T23:00:00.004-05:00

Alessandro Pronzato said, "The Promised Land" is only promised to those willing to chew sand for 40 yrs. This blew me away the first time I read it and really took some time to think about the implications of this. I have a hard time enduring anything unpleasant for more than a couple of weeks, let alone 40 yrs.

What does that say about me? Am I willing to suffer for something of significance?

I have a confession to make: I have no discipline whatsoever. If I have a day off from work, I'm doing good to wash my hair and brush my teeth. I know, gross, right? Anyway. I just have to ask myself, what am I willing to go through to hold on to the things I SAY I believe in?

The desert before the Promised Land holds dangers and temptations untold: Depression, anger, complacency, resentment. It's a myriad of pitfalls to losing the vision of the purpose of the desert. The purpose is to cleanse. To strip it down. To simplify. To teach us reliance on divine provision. This runs completely counter to everything we've ever been taught in our society.

Ironic revelation: The less I rely on myself, the less I control. The less I control, the harder it becomes to NOT rely on myself.

This needs exploring. The desert calls. I gotta go.

McChurch, pt. 2

2009-03-03T09:33:00.005-06:00

(Continued from previous)

More precisely, how I am being made to feel by the American media machine about the use of my wealth.

See, we are all fed the lie of consumerism: If you have this, you'll be (insert positive trait here). The problem is, this only works for a while, and then we need the next "fix." We all have these triggers, don't we? You know, those things that catch our eye? Bigger house, nicer car, hotter spouse, etc. etc.

The American Church is mainline attached to the bloated beast of our consumerist culture. I mean, we have gift stores in our churches. We have ATM's in our churches. We have Starbuck's kiosks in our churches. Some churches even have Marketing Divisions.

I mean, really? Ad writers for God?

Seems to me that if you really need a Marketing Division to make people want to come to your church, then at the very core of the Message, you're getting something wrong.

How did we take this Way, the greatest message of hope in history, and turn it into a commercial, and a club? Isn't it obvious why people of other faiths (or no faith) look at what we've become and come to the conclusion that being a Jesus-follower is a trade down?

The very things that cause people of other faiths to hate us should be the very things that drive conscientious believers to their knees, begging God for forgiveness and awareness.

St. Athanasius said that "The glory of God is a human being fully alive." Not, fully entertained or fully satiated.

God has given us the opportunity to participate with Him as partners in the Kingdom Come. How often do we reject this opportunity because we look around at our titles and our treasures and tell ourselves that things are really pretty good around here?

After all, "me getting mine" is what it's all about, right? Brother? Sister? Pastor?

McChurch

2009-02-25T10:31:00.004-06:00

Lately I've been reading the books of Rob Bell. For those of you who don't know him, Bell is a pastor. Now, before your eyes glaze over, let me assure you, he's not like that. Really.

I am a Christian. I believe and hold to the old tenets of that faith: Jesus was who he claimed to be, namely, I AM. I also believe that the way he teaches us to BE in the this world is the best Way. Beyond this, things get pretty fuzzy with me. Beyond this, we get into the realm of religion, which you can shove. I'm full, thanks (and yes, I know this is the trendy thing for Christians to say. Tough.).

I mention this only because I have come to the conclusion that American Christianity is getting things very wrong in a lot of different ways, and here is a pastor, Bell, who seems to agree with me.

For example, America is rich. Really really really rich. Really rich. How rich? How about this: According to the United Nations Environment Program, Americans spend more for trash bags than 90 of the world's 210 countries spend for everything. We spend more on shoes, jewellery and watches ($80 billion) than on higher education ($65 billion). We spend $20 billion on ice cream every year, which is more than it would cost to provide basic sanitation, health care, and nutrition for the 3rd world.

Being American myself, I'm rich. Mostly though, I don't feel rich. I am awake enough to know, however, that in global context, I'm quite well off.

Where I get hung up is when I start examining what I am doing with those riches. Or not doing...

(to be continued)

The Thin Veil of Civility

2009-02-23T19:14:00.002-06:00

I work in the corporate division of a manufacturing company, and have experienced the joys and trials of working in both sides of the business. There are benefits and detriments to working in both areas, and for the most part, they both seem to be pretty well balanced in terms of which is preferable.

The one thing I have noticed and am consistently amused by, working in the corporate side, is the theater of decorum we all take part in. We work hard to play professional, but lurking under the surface are all of the insecurities, quirks, prejudices and other wonderful facets of humanity that belie our displays of business acumen.

And it goes so much deeper... Think of the recent abortion of an editorial cartoon printed in the NY Post depicting our half-black President as a chimpanzee. Is the veil of civility in our society so thin as to only be the thickness of a piece of newspaper?

It is a sad state indeed when people who are in this country legally can be held indefinitely without formal charges, while this kind of disgusting, divisive RACIAL terrorism goes unpunished.

Something is rotten in the heart of our society. God bless America? He already has. God help us all, I'd say.

We want to love.

2009-02-14T21:19:00.003-06:00

Today is Valentine's Day and yes, I know, it's a day that is cliched and created by the retail powers that be to guilt all of us into blatant and obscene consumerism blah blah blah. I even have a friend who calls it "Single Awareness Day" or S.A.D. The cynic in me knows all of this and wants to climb to the highest tower and scream, "Don't fall for it!"

However...

I have to tell you how much enjoyment I got from giving my loved ones little mementos of my feelings for them. For example, I gave a pair of sunglasses to my daughter who just this year is finally able to wear contact lenses due to a severe case of strabismus. Her whole childhood has been spent wearing very thick glasses. It made me smile to see her put them on and act like a rock star.

See, the thing is, I look around my town and work place and I see people who are downcast and isolated from one another. It's the rare person I come across who will actually look at me and offer a smile. We still are living lives of "quiet desperation." It just doesn't make sense.

Because you see, we want to love. We want to connect on a level that is ineffable. We want to be able to open that part of us that doesn't need defense mechanisms or armor.

No, we probably don't really need a made up holiday to buy a bunch of junk to tell the important people in our lives how we feel about them, but if you take a moment to think about the why and not the what, you'll see we need to take a moment for love.

We need Valentine's Day. Now, I think, more than ever.

Testing....testing...

2009-02-13T21:33:00.002-06:00

I have taken the title of my blog from W.B. Yeat's poem, "The Second Coming." It's a great poem. You should check it out sometime.

This is my first attempt at being self-important enough to write a blog. I'm a relatively uninteresting guy who has a very uninteresting job. I do, however, live in an interesting world and I hope to catch my observations and record them here as they come along. Join me for the ride.

I'm not sure if you'll learn anything, but I hope I do.

circling and circling,

-J